As you evolve into a highly conscious person, the manner in which you react to the choices that people make will likely look less and less like the social norm. You will recognized that the socially conditioned response is fear based and not the most empowering approach for you or for the other person.
This article focuses on allowing people to make there own choices regardless of the level of involvement you have with the person or with the situation. I illustrate how the same principles apply in situations in which your level of involvement is low, medium, or high. I also explain the exception–i.e. where it is critical that you step in and make choices for the other person. Your level of involvement in a situation is based on how much impact the other person’s choices have on your life. We tend to assume that we get a vote in the other person’s choices if we are greatly impacted by them, but it is this type of thinking that disempowers us. In most cases–the choice has already been made! Let’s look at the different levels of involvement before we get into tools you can use to show leadership and respect people’s choices and mind your own choices!
Low Involvement Situation
Your friend has been spending money she does not have for years and has accumulated substantial debt. She calls you because she is stressed out that she has not paid her rent for two months and she is on the verge of being evicted.
In this example, your friend made the choice to live a lifestyle that was beyond her financial ability to support. This is a low involvement situation because you are not directly impacted by your friend’s financial situation. That is of course the case unless you take action to get yourself entangled!
Medium Involvement Situation
A coworker who is known for being manipulative has a history of delivering veiled insults your way has done it again. While you were talking to her about how you came into the office early to get a project done in time for this afternoon’s deadline, she used that information to inform you that you looked tired. Considering past experience and what you were picking up energetically from your coworker you knew darn well that this comment was meant to demean you.
In this example, your coworker made the choice to act manipulatively and to demean you. You are more involved in this situation than in the previous example because you are the target of bullying behavior.
High Involvement Situation
You have been living with your girlfriend for three years and she comes home drunk on most nights. Her drinking problem affects every aspect of her life and your relationship with her. You have been to counselors and things get better for a while and then she returns to drinking heavily and the cycle repeats. Your girlfriend has told you on numerous occasions that she does not really have a drinking problem because she can cut back when she wants to and she cites many examples where she did not drink for extended periods of time.
In this example your girlfriend made the choice to rationalize her drinking problem and has chosen not to truly address it. You are highly involved in this situation because her behavior impacts your living environment and most options that you may consider such as leaving her will have a significant impact on your life.
How to Respect People’s Choices: A Four-Step Approach
Let’s break down the process of respecting people’s choices into four steps and look at examples of each level of involvement before we discuss some of the deeper concepts and tools that you can use to demonstrate leadership.
(1) Notice your current level of emotional involvement or attachment to the outcome.
- “I am really worried about my friend Patty because she revealed she is $20,000 in debt and is about to get kicked out of her apartment.”
- “I am so angry at my coworker Mary because she used information I revealed to her to put me down.”
- “I am going to give Jane the silent treatment today because I am sick and tired of her coming home drunk every night.”
(2) Label the choices the other person has made and reframe in a manner that disengages you from that choice. Be sure that you fully acknowledge to yourself the past tense nature of the situation. Do not argue with reality as if the choice is up for negotiation.
- “Patty is hurting because she chooses to spend money she does not have.”
- “Mary chooses to treat people disrespectfully.”
- “Jane chooses to deny her addiction problem.”
(3) Decide on your response to the situation or person.
- “I am willing to listen to Patty work through her immediate living option choices. I will offer to accompany her to a credit counselor if she feels my presence would be helpful to her. I am not willing to loan her anymore money but if she does get kicked out of her apartment I would be happy to host her for a week.”
- “I accept Mary’s choice to make passive aggressive comments. I would like to express to Mary that I know that her barbs are intentional and that I understand that on some level her inappropriate behavior is a cry for help. I will respect my own choice to distance myself from people who it does not feel good to be around but will communicate to Mary that I am open to a friendlier way of interacting if she chooses treat me respectfully.”
- “I realize that I am only frustrating myself by pretending that Jane has not already made the decision to refrain from dealing with her alcohol addiction. I choose not to intimately engage with people who abuse alcohol although I am willing to remain in Jane’s life as a friend. I will inform Jane of our conflicting choices and place the onus on her to come up with a solution and let her know that the status quo is not an option for me. If she choose to remain in denial, then I will move out by next month.
(4) Communicate your choices to the other person. Note that you do not need to communicate everything you have decided on to the person ahead of time. It is good to know in advance how you would respond to a particular request or action on the other person’s part.
- “Patty, I see that you are hurting because you are at risk for getting kicked out of your apartment due to your financial choices. You are smart and resourceful and I trust that you have the ability to make the best decisions for yourself. I am willing to help you examine your options and should you need somewhere to stay, you are welcome to stay with me for a week.
- “Mary, that is the third time this week you told me I look tired when I feel perfectly fine. I do not appreciate your passive aggressive comments. Please keep your comments limited to work business and skip the “niceties”. I understand that passive aggressive behavior is usually a cry for help and I sincerely hope that you work through whatever is bothering you. I will keep the door open to speaking with you on friendlier terms should you choose to start treating me in a respectful manner. Thanks”.
- “Jane, it is clear to me that you have chosen to live with your addiction to alcohol. I love you as a person but the way we have been living does not work for me. I choose not to live in an environment where addiction is present. How should we work this out?”
- Labeling the Choices People Make
Isn’t it presumptuous to tell people what choices they made in case this is all one big misunderstanding? No! Trust your gut reactions to people’s actions because they are probably right. By informing people about how you view the choices they made and what your choices are as a result, you are giving them an uncommon and beautiful gift. In the rare cases where you are wrong and there are extenuating circumstances that you were unaware of, the person is being made aware of your perception of the situation which is valuable feedback for them and they have the opportunity to clear the air with you.
In the scenario in which you have accurately reflected their choices back to them, again you have given them the uncommon gift of clarity and truth that could very well be the impetus they need to learn and grow!
There are certain tools that you can use to help communicate your choices to the other person and empower them to see their own options clearly. Techniques such as reframing and mirroring help the other person understand exactly how you are viewing the situation and empowering them to see what options may be available to them.
Rehashing the Situation is a Common Trap
When you are highly involved with a situation it is easy to lose yourself in the delusion that someone has not already made the choice to engage in a certain pattern of behavior though history clearly demonstrates otherwise.
The most constructive action you can take in this scenario is to let the person know that you are aware of the choice that they made and inform them of the choice you are making as a result. The socially conditioned response of seeking endless counseling and getting into heated battles over the same topic is futile. If you take a step back you can see how absurd it is to invest your energy into attempting to change a decision or choice that has already been made.
The beauty of detaching yourself is that you and the other person can make choices free from the unhealthy dynamic that existed between you. Once you let go of any attachment to the choices the other person makes they may start making better choices because you are no longer enabling the bad ones. They very well may start making worse choices or stick with their original choice but you are free to lead by example from whatever distance that you discern is right for you.
It is easy to see how this circular rehashing of a choice somebody has made works in a high involvement situation, but it also works very much the same way in a low or medium involvement situation. This underlying circular pattern can escape your attention because the intensity may not be the same as in a high involvement situation. Have you ever talked to a friend about their same problem repeatedly without them having made any progress with it? Your friend is unhappy in her marriage because her husband keeps cheating on her but she does not leave. Your brother complains that his stomach has been hurting for the last few months but he refuses to change his health habits or get it checked out. You informed your coworker on numerous occasions that you don’t like it when she interrupts you during meetings. The common trap in these situations is to treat them like you have a say in the future choice of what the person will do. You try to negotiate with your friend to leave her marriage or you continue to make requests of your coworker to stop interrupting you. The truth is that your friend has made a choice to remain in a painful marriage and she is just acting out on the choice by staying and complaining to you! Likewise your coworker has made the choice that monitoring her impulse to interrupt you during meetings is a low-priority item for her. She has chosen not to invest any effort into honoring your request.
Before we delve further into the tools mentioned above and into adopting the mindset of a leader while allowing people to make their own choices, let’s examine the exception to the rule.
The Critical Exceptions
While it is generally best to make your own choices consciously and live by them and allow other people to make their own choices, there are times when it is okay to issue orders, such is when you or someone else is in danger.
When I was in a car accident several months ago, the other vehicle was rendered undrivable in the middle of a busy intersection. I knew that it was dangerous for the occupants to remain in the car because of the high risk of an unobservant driver crashing into the accident scene. Once I established that they were uninjured, I ordered them to get out of the vehicle. It was my judgement that merely suggesting that it was safer to leave the vehicle was too weak and that issuing a strong command was what was needed to snap the occupants out of their daze and take safe precautions.
That said–even in imminently dangerous situations–the ultimate choice remains with the other person. If you have been involved in such a situation where there was a bad outcome, chances are good you acted the best you could with the information you had and the other person was making choices for themselves.
The Leadership Mindset
In the world of Cesar Milan from the Dog Whisperer, be the pack leader and set the right energy. Milan wisely points out that humans are the only animal that follow bad leaders! If you buy into the fear-based energy of the person that you are trying to help then you are just feeding into their delusion that they do not have empowering options that will lead to their own personal growth and happiness.
You become a great leader by aligning your level of involvement with choices and situations that are congruent with your own. If you live with someone with an alcohol addiction problem and you have chosen not to tolerate that in your life then you become aligned with the choice you have made by lessening your level of involvement with the person who has made a choice that is in conflict with your own. As a leader you can remain open to assessing new information and choose to get more involved with a person if they make a different choice.
For example if your coworker Mary apologizes for her passive aggressive behavior and treats you with respect, then befriending her is no longer in conflict with your choice to only get close to people who treat you well. If you had said nothing to her, she may have continued with her self-destructive behavior. Real leaders are skillful at clearly reflecting empowering options back to the people that cross their path. Then they allow the person to make their own choice without you having an attachment to the outcome. As a leader, you are communicating this information energetically, just like the leader in of a pack of dogs. You don’t need to communicate with many words or with a great deal of effort because your assertive presence will communicate your truth efficiently and directly.
Reframing
Reframing simply means looking at the same set of circumstances from a different perspective. Once you have established a leadership role in your communication with the other person, which includes setting a non-threatening and open tone, then you can help them see their options more clearly. For example, your coworker Mary may feel trapped into her pattern of taking out her frustrations on other people but may respond well to you if you reframe her situation as being a decent human being who is crying out for help and understanding rather than labeling her as a bad person. If a person is lost in a spiral of negative thinking or is in denial about their circumstances, a more empowering perspective can be valuable. If you are involved in the situation more deeply, you are clearly communicating to the person what your reactions will be if they decide on a particular choice. You can communicate this to them in a loving but detached manner instead of succumbing to the socially normal struggle for power–for example: “Honey I love you but I cannot continue to be with you because you like to drink and I need to be in an environment where there is no drinking. I realize that you love me and that your choice to continue drinking has nothing to do with me and I appreciated our time together. I am moving out next week. I am open to meeting with you on a weekly basis to see how you are doing.” That gives them a rare sort of clarity to work with as they evaluate their options. Again this is and uncommon gift!
Mirroring
We are by nature feeling and caring beings. Being a good leader that empowers other people to make their own choices does not all boil down to a simple and neat action and reaction formula. It is deeply helpful if you show the other person compassion for the choices they have made by listening and reflecting your understanding back to them.
Mirroring is a great tool for doing so. I learned about mirroring in a counseling psychology class I took in college. The basic idea is that when someone is in a very low mood, you want to meet them where they are and slowly bring them up. If someone is sobbing to you because they are distraught about their life circumstances, it is not helpful to start talking to them with cheerful positivity. You will just alienate them. Instead, start speaking to them in a lower voice, speak slowly using a tone that reflects that you understand the seriousness of how bad they feel. Be sure to avoid communicating to them with pity–that is not the same thing and it is not respectful! When they start speaking in a more upbeat manner than you can pick up the tone and pace as well.
Be Aware of The Law of Intermittent Reinforcement*
Let’s say you have now successfully identified where your choices do not mesh with the choices of other people in your life for the level of involvement you currently have with them. Let’s further say that you have lessened your level of involvement with these people. By doing so, you put yourself in a position where it is easier to not be attached to the outcome of the choices they make. You are allowing them to make choices free from interference from you. That is great! But earlier in this article I explain circumstances in which you may choose to increase your level of involvement with a person as they reexamine their options and make choices that are more congruent with your own. I also provided examples in which someone could look like they are making a different choice but they really have not! For example your girlfriend with an addiction problem may give up alcohol for a while but then start drinking again. It is up to you as a leader and a respecter of people’s choices to discern if someone is truly changing their choice or whether it is a false start.
Being aware of the Law of Intermittent Reinforcement will help you avoid getting sucked into a pattern of believing someone is making different choices when this is not the case! Famous psychologist B.F. Skinner discovered that animals generally follow a simple principle of behavior based on the rewards they receive. Animals repeat behavior that is rewarded and stop behavior that is not rewarded. When Skinner set a box in which rats got food every time they pressed a lever, the rats would consistently press the lever to get more food. Then Skinner set two other boxes for the rats that were now used to getting food each time they pulled the lever. When the rats pressed the lever in the first box, no food came out. However the levers in the second box were set up to randomly release food on some presses of the levers and not on others. The rats could not be guaranteed a reward for their efforts however they did have some success in getting food for repeated presses of the levers. Skinner found that the rats who stopped getting rewarded with food altogether gave up trying rather quickly. By contrast, the rats that were rewarded at random kept pressing the lever far longer. Doesn’t this sound like the slot machines in Vegas?
When you engage in yo yo decision-making because you believe that you have a real say in someone’s decision to make a choice that you want them to make, then you are like the rat pressing the lever. Indeed, your efforts will seem to be rewarded because the person will engage in the desired behavior such taking steps to clean up their finances, refraining from insulting you, or giving up alcohol at times but have they really made a different choice? When you truly respect your own choices, then you will see these games for what they are and will not be reeled in more than a time or two. It is not up to you to continuously evaluate if someone has truly made a different choice. As a discerning leader, you will KNOW when someone has truly made a change. Their energy will be different and there will be signs that their environment is responding differently to them. This is the law of attraction at work for them. The universe will deliver to them what it is that they are asking for by the vibration they are putting out. You do not owe it to them to constantly check in to see if they are now a match for you.
This idea of intermittent reinforcement has been very useful to me–I still catch myself pressing the lever at times! I used to continuously give people the benefit of the doubt if they showed any signs of change. Now I see that it is okay to err on the side of being discerning about the choices people make and get less involved with the choices that don’t interface well with my own. I am not as attached to the outcome of the choices people make. If I gave the person an option of interacting with me in a certain way then I leave it to them to show me that they made the change in their choices without me having to press the lever.
It’s NOT Personal!
The choices that people make are not personal to you. This is true whether someone cries on your shoulder over their financial troubles or whether they decide to bully you. This is even true if they decide to murder you. In each case the person is making choices about how they live their life. They have chosen to act powerless regarding finances. They have chosen to put people down. They have chosen a set of values in which it is okay to kill.
Likewise the choices you make are not in direct response to specific triggers. These situations will help you learn and grow and evaluate how to respond to life situations. It is most empowering if you make choices that are impersonal and that are based on your values and experience. The choices you make will affect how you respond to each of these situations. You may choose to offer certain types of financial assistance to close friends who need your help. You may choose to emotionally distance yourself from people whose values about how to treat people are in conflict with your own. You may choose to not be in a relationship with someone who you feel has an addiction problem.
Bottom line: Choose consciously and choose powerfully and allow others the space to do the same!
*The content covering The Law of Intermittent Reinforcement was largely taken from the book How to Mend Your Broken Heart: Overcome Emotional Pain at the End of a Relationship, by Paul McKenna, Ph.D. and Hugh Willbourn, Ph.D.
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