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Have you ever joined a club? I bet you have. I am a member of the Madison Backgammon Club for example. Every club has rules. If you do not follow the rules you may no longer be welcome into the club. For this purpose any organization you belong to could be considered a club with rules. Your employer has rules. Your household has rules. Your city has rules. You know what–you have rules too! What are they?
Rules can be empowering because they provide structure and create boundaries. I certainly do not advocate following someone else’s rules all the time as that can be very stifling and growth stunting–especially if you interpret social norms as rules. Go ahead and break the rules as long as you are willing to accept the consequences. Likewise, allow others to behave as they choose and then discern if they are in your club.
Life flows with an elegant simplicity when you are conscious of what you accept and do not accept into your life. You have rules. The more consistent you are about consciously choosing your rules and enforcing them, the easier and more enjoyable life will be for you.
The “Me Club”
I was introduced to the idea of the “Me Club” in How to Mend Your Broken Heart: Overcome Emotional Pain at the End of a Relationship, by Paul McKenna, Ph.D. and Hugh Willbourn, Ph.D. The authors’ agent, Paul Duddridge uses this metaphor as a tool to establish healthy boundaries.
The idea is to identify the standards of behavior that are important to you an only let people be in your club if they meet your standards. Of course this means that you need to follow the rules as well. The authors point out that if you do not follow the rules then you are signaling to others that the rules are not important. Then there is no club. Enforcing the rules does not mean that you make someone bend to your will; it means that you disengage from them if they do not follow your rules. If you are in an employment situation and a coworker treats you disrespectfully, you may still communicate with them and be polite but you do not let them in at the friend level.
How to keep the “Me Club” intact
Simple.
(1) Follow the rules yourself.
- If you do not accept lying in your club, don’t lie.
- If you do not accept fowl language in your club, don’t swear.
- If you do not accept sarcasm in your club, don’t be sarcastic.
- If you do not accept criticism in your club, don’t criticize.
- If you do not accept interruptions in your club, don’t interrupt.
(2) Enforce a consequence for those who do not follow the rules.
You have the freedom to decide what the consequences will be and if you want to share it with the other person. Let your common sense and your preferences be your guide here. For example, the other day a friend of mine went on a very short date. I think it lasted about 20 minutes. In the first few minutes, his date made disparaging remarks about my friend’s profession. My friend felt disrespected and decided to abruptly end the date without informing his date about why. He could have chosen to end the date by expressing this rule explicitly if that was what felt the most empowering, however, he felt that the best action to take in that moment was to make a clean break as not to risk further engagement.
When to be Explicit
People may not always be aware that they are violating your rules so you may choose to be transparent and let them have a chance to be in your club. For example one of the rules that people in my “Me Club” follow is to refrain from chewing gum around me. A friend of mine who remain’s in my “Me Club” because he respects this rule pointed about that chewing gum is a mildly obnoxious social behavior but no more so than other social behaviors. I certainly agree with this but since I communicated to him (and many others) that it hurts me, he chooses not to do it around me because the underlying rule of my “Me Club” is that people treat me in a respectful manner. Because my strong aversion to gum chewing is unusual, it warrants explaining to people that I associate with that this behavior hurts me and that I understandably equate someone’s choice to chew gum around me as being disrespectful if I have informed them about my sound sensitivity problem. A few reminders are reasonable however if you need to continuously remind someone that their behavior hurts you, then you are better off disengaging from them. This is true even if the person is someone you need to have some contact with such as a coworker or a mother-in-law.
Now there are times when I will choose to disengage from someone who is outright smacking their gum without telling them why. For example if I am at the farmers market I will not stop and buy from a vendor who is smacking their gum. The have broken my “Me Club” rules of decent business conduct. I respect the quirks of other people in my “Me Club” and honor requests to modify my behavior where I feel it is reasonable. For example, if someone informs me that they are sensitive to perfumes and scents, I would make sure not use any lotions that may offend them if I know I am going to be with them. Again respect may be the underlying rule of your “Me Club” but you will need to use your judgement about how much effort you want to put forth to be explicit about what it means to respect you.
Rules apply on an energetic level too
Have you ever dealt with a person who seems polite, friendly and even helpful and yet when you are around them you feel bad? This type of person may even follow your overt rules such as being honest, reliable, and even charming and yet there is just something about your interaction with them that makes you feel defensive or sinks your vibration. I used to make the mistake of allowing people to remain in my “Me Club” until I could write a logical thesis on why they should be kicked out–justified with supporting evidence with all my t’s crossed and i’s dotted. Then I presented the person with the evidence and tried to get their agreement that I was right and they were wrong and asked them to certify that they were unwilling to change their ways. Once all that happened, I would consider disengaging. What a waste of energy!
Now I am far more likely to accept my gut feeling and disengage from people who give me a bad feeling much sooner. One of the rules of my “Me Club” is that you make me feel good. If you do not make me feel good then you are OUT. Now of course I am not referring to the occasional bad day here or there, but in your heart of hearts, you can feel what I am referring to. Upon reflection I can often explain what was behind the gut warning. It is just that I have learned from experience that my intuition is faster in than my intellect. My logical self plays an important role in summarizing patterns of behavior that don’t meet my standards and thus can also save me time in the future.
Let me give you an example of a subtle behavior that I now consciously use to screen people out of my “Me Club” and thus save myself many heartaches and headaches. Some of the traits I highly value in myself and others is a sense of openness, honesty and receptivity. I do not allow people who I consider to be “deflectors” into my “Me Club”. Before I could place a label on this phenomena and before I fully understood what was going on I just felt that some people sucked the energy right out of me. I came to understand that I had a visceral reaction to people who on the surface seemed to be supportive of me or value my ideas but really in their heart of hearts where only interested in furthering their own agenda and did not really respect or care about me. Since this type of attitude or energy is not accepted in my “Me Club”, when I sense it happening I disengage from the person. Sometimes I choose to tell the person and sometimes I don’t. I respect their choice and I go about my own business.
What are the rules of your “Me Club”? Do you follow them? Do you enforce them?
*The content covering “The Me Club” was largely taken from the book How to Mend Your Broken Heart: Overcome Emotional Pain at the End of a Relationship, by Paul McKenna, Ph.D. and Hugh Willbourn, Ph.D.
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